Tears, Tantrums and Happy Endings: The Confessions

I wish I could figure out my thought processes right now; I can’t suss myself out.

So; I’m sat here thinking, I wish I had 3 wishes, what would I use them for? I’d use them to sort out the things on my mind; the ones that mean I’m not getting any sleep and I’m not eating…

The first wish is simple: I wish I could fix my relationship. Right now, its a mess. I love him; I have absolutely no doubt about that. I just wish it could be how things used to be.
Every time we have a rough time; I just think back to the day where me, him and my friend spent the afternoon together having lunch and a good banter. I think about how happy I was that afternoon; how glad I was him and my friends got along and how proud I was to be with him.
So if I had 3 wishes, I’d use one to take me back to that day and continue again from there. I want to feel like that again.

My second wish would be to sort Dad out. I hate seeing him like this; its horrendous. I wish I could make things better and make him happy again. I want to go back to how things were before his cow of ex was around. Red Dwarf and Father Ted marathons, having a few drinks and munchies and listening to music. Having eggs all mashed up in a cup in front of the tv on a Saturday morning, eating pizza from a tray on our lap and watching a movie. I feel like I missed out on spending time with my Dad because of her.

As for wish three; I’d wish for a job. Most people would’ve wished for unlimited money or something. But for me, working wasn’t necessarily about the money. Sure the money was great, it made working worthwhile some days. But I loved the feeling of getting up in the morning and knowing I was going to help someone; make a difference in their lives, even just in a tiny way; make their day.

But the simple fact of the matter is, I don’t have 3 wishes. If I want all of these things; I’m going to have to do this on my own. I guess only I can sort my head out…

So, my last posts have been the blogs that I have pasted over from my Blogger account. But I haven’t posted a blog recently because quite a bit has happened; and I’ve needed a bit of time to myself to adjust.

Firstly, my partner and I split. Which was nothing short of devestating. I feel as if my world has been torn apart. Not a good time relationshipwise for my lot huh; first my sister and her partner split, then my Dad and his, and now me. Would be nice if life cut me a bit of slack for a while.
We’re talking and trying to work things out; but things don’t feel right, they just don’t feel the same right now. I don’t know if things will sort themselves out or not, or whether its just not meant to be. It’ll take a while to know for certain how things are going to turn out; its just a waiting game for the time being to see if promises become a reality.

And, as if that wasn’t enough, my Dads ex has upped the anti and changed the locks. So he ended up locked out with only the clothes on his back to his name. Lovely, eh?
My Dad’s uncle is possibly going to help out, but we’ll not know what’s happening there til this evening, so watch this space.

I really don’t know how I’d have gotten through all of this without the support of my amazing friends; most especially Bat. She’s been phenomenal.

And as much as my family have had a knee-jerk reaction towards my breakup, certain members have been pretty good. On Friday evening I took off the necklace that Iain gave me; so my little sister chose me a new one on Friday night and bought it on Sunday. And on Saturday my mum bought me my favourite meal, cauliflower cheese and a chocolate roulade. Nom!

So yeah, things aren’t great right now; and I’m really fed up, had enough of the way things are. The rut that I’m getting in is getting deeper and deeper and I’m getting further and futher stuck in it; and no idea how I’m going to get out of it any time soon…

Here’s just hoping that this evening brings good news…

It’s been a while since I got round to updating, but the past few days I’ve been a bit busy…

Last year I did a charity Read-a-Thon and raised £90 for Help for Heroes, so I decided I wanted to raise money for. charity again this year. So I’ve been kept distracted by setting all that up on my Facebook page: www.facebook.com/lindsayscharitypage

Not heard a great deal from Dad, but have had a great amount of support from my amazing partner; wouldn’t be coping as well without him

It’s been a little while since I updated; but there has been quite a bit of progress.

I saw Dad for the first time since all of this started on Friday and it’d seem Little Miss Not So Perfect has well and truly thrown her toys out of the pram. She’s shown her true colours and they’ve shown her to be an ugly person, a very ugly person indeed.

Feeling a lot more positive about things on that front now that I know all of the developments though.

Its going to take a while and be a long time before normality returns. But hopefully things will all be okay.

I’m in a strange, nostalgic sort of mood tonight, have had a lot of time to think lately.

I often wonder how different my life would be if I weren’t in a wheelchair, if I wasn’t disabled; how would life be different?
I have a tendency to beat myself up over it, to blame myself, which is silly. I can’t change the fact, no matter how much I want to. It has really affected me though. When I was a teenager, I always used to think I’d never fall in love. After all, why would a guy want a girl in a wheelchair when he could have a girl who could walk?
I never properly believed that people truly wanted to be my friend either, I thought they just hung around so they could make fun of me.

That all changed though, when I started going along to the local YMCA. I met people who saw me, and not just the wheelchair. People that accepted me for who I am, wheelchair, disability and everything. I made some amazing friends there; people that without them, I might not still be here today. Being treated the way I’d always wanted to made me realise that it wasn’t just other people’s perception of me that was causing me problems. It was MY perception of me too.

Because of that, I was able to come to terms with my disability, and accept that this, whether I like it or not, is the way that life is going to be.

Yes, I have slip ups, there are times people will use my circumstances to hurt me; make an argument personal, etc. But when that happens, I now have people in my life to pick me up and build me up again.
One of whom being my partner. The guy in school I’d always longingly hoped would give me a second glance, someone I thought I hadn’t a chance in hell with. Who’d have thought it.

I promise you though, anyone who’s reading this and feeling low about yourself, eventually you’ll find people in your lives who make you feel amazing. When you do; don’t let them go.

I want to thank my soul mate, Iain, for being there, through thick and thin; for never bailing, no matter how hard it gets.
And I want to thank my sister, Tracy (I’m trying not to cry while I type this), for being the best sister in the world, got kicking the kids asses in school and for always fighting my corner.
Special thanks also go to: Billy, Hayley, Bat, Kev, Ross, Laura, and all my friends who go out of their way to make me Lindsay and not just “The One In The Wheelchair”.

You guys have helped to make me who I am today. For that I am so grateful.

I wrote my last blog in hindsight, with a lot of reflection over recent events, and despite being somewhat calmer when I wrote it; I still managed to completely overlook the more positive aspects. They say that every cloud has a silver lining; and thankfully mine is no different…

Before New Year, I made myself a 2012 To Do List:

1. Apply for college - DONE.

2. Get in to college - DONE.

3. Get a new voluntary job

4. Join the Organ Donor Register - DONE.

5. Learn a new skill

6. Take up a new hobby

7. Make a few new friends - DONE (cuz Darren says so!).

8. Socialise more

9. Get a part time job to fit round college and voluntary work

10. Exercise more or join a gym

11. Lose a stone in weight

12. Join a social club, church, or something along those lines

I went for my college interview at the beginning of January, and it’d seem my luck might be changing, because I was accepted :D I start a course to get a diploma in Admin and IT in September, so the only way is up from here, I hope!

Another important thing for me was to make more friends this year; as I don’t socialise anywhere near as much as I used to. My wheelchair affects my self esteem a lot, and I’ve always been quite shy when first meeting people. But when I do get to know people, I well and truly come out of my shell (as can be seen by the photo at the bottom of the page).
But unfortunately, people grow up and social groups change and dissipate. So, I decided that enough is enough, rather than sitting at home complaining I’m going to do something about it. I’ve started spending more time with nearby friends who I’d previously see every once in a while.
I’m going to stop turning down invites out and I’m going to go out, have fun, take photos and make memories!

Also important is to keep in touch of the friends that have been there for me throughout it all.

I’m lucky though, I might not feel like it sometimes. Yes, I’m disabled; I’m bound to a wheelchair. Yes, I’m unemployed and still living at home. But y’know what? I have an amazing boyfriend, wonderful friends, and brilliant family and inlaws. That’s a lot more than many other people have.

I’ve not had the best start to my year, but I’m feeling so much more positive now, 2012 WILL be my year, this time the good will outweigh the bad, and in going to look back on this blog and smile :)

To describe 2011 in 3 words, I’d use: disappointing, depressing, but I’d also say spontaneous. One out of three wasn’t bad, but I was keen to put a generally not so great year behind me and make a fresh start. 2012 was going to be great. Or so I thought. I couldn’t have been any more wrong…

After a tense, awkward and unpleasant New Year, my Dad’s partner threw him out after almost 10 years together. It was a bit of a shock to say the least, and not exactly the best way to start 2012. All positivity towards the new year was pretty much zapped there and then. Not to worry, people pick themselves up and move on with their lives, right? Wrong.
My father then proceeded to return to her in an attempt to reconcile, and I haven’t seen him since. No reconciliation has occurred; as she walked past me the other day without so much as a word. Not exactly the behavior of a 52 year old woman; is it? You’d expect that sort of nonsense from a teenager.

After doing everything I could to help my Dad get himself sorted out, including taking care of his teddy, William; our beloved dogs’ collar and other things he wanted kept safe. I have to say I felt, and still feel very betrayed. Blood is supposed to be thicker than water…

On top of all that, my big sister and her partner split after 6 years together, and it’s been hard watching my sister; this strong, beautiful woman, reduced to a shadow of her former self. Nothing I could say made her feel better, I felt useless.

So, all in all, I started 2012 utterly depressed, betrayed and not myself at all. I felt like a zombie; struggling to go function and live day-to-day life. I felt useless, worthless almost. I’d sit there, complaining, whinging and generally being a bore. It made me wonder why people bothered being around me. I wouldn’t be friends with me…

But that all pales in comparison to what was to happen next…
My cousin’s friend, Mandy, suffered from leukemia; but was in remission and looking forward to getting married in 2012. But, in November her leukemia came back, and things were not looking good, so her and her husband to be, Paul, moved the wedding forward. They married just before Christmas, and instead of giving them gifts; friends and family gifted them money towards a dream holiday. They celebrated a lovely New Year together with family and friends, but shortly after, Mandy took ill. She passed away last week aged just 23. The money raised for her dream holiday is now paying for her funeral.

It really puts things in to perspective doesn’t it? Perhaps its time to stop taking life for granted and make the most of it.